Monday, October 03, 2005

I'm not fond of penile lesions

I tell myself that I was a freshman, but it must have been when I was a sophomore.

I was still buying lunch at the cafeteria, which exposed me to ridicule. So it couldn't have been any later than when I was a sophomore.

That year, we had a single elective class that was broken up into three parts. Health, Computers and Drivers Ed.

Hold on now, you've got your drivers ed in my computer! No, you've got your computer in my drivers ed!

Yes, this mish-mash curriculum was the peanut-butter and pickle amaglamation that every pregnant woman desires. I was just an unwitting pawn to its power.

Ahh, drivers education... The erstwhile drafting teacher in the "arts" block did double duty. "Blood on the Highway", "Little Miss Rotten Crotch and the Drunken Prom", "Chip the Molesting Tractor Speeder" and "Highschool Beauty Snuff Film" were all part of my experience. Mr. Freaky liked also to tell us stories about how he lost his leg to gangrene. The leg that he walked on every day, the leg that had never been lost to gangrene. I remember two important facts from this class:

1) Don't piss off our "rural" friends. They are as likely to run over your leg with a tractor as wave hello.

2) IPDE. Identify, Predict, Decide, Execute. For example, if you are driving up a hill you should say to yourself "Over the next crest could be a clutch of alien eggs!" We have just Identified a possible issue. "I suppose that as soon as I drive into the clutch, the eggs will all activate, shooting gore and stomach-pulsing aliens to the four winds!" I've just Predicted a possible outcome. "I'm going to die, but I'm going to take out the next mother fucker that flashes me with high-beams!" I've just Decided what I should do, if this scenario unfolds. "YAAAAAAR!!!" This is my war cry and battle-hymn as I steer my car head-on into the next vehicle that happens to be on the same road. We call this "Execution."

Mr. Freaky would be so proud. Somehow, I passed driver's ed.

Computer class was next. I remember next to nothing about it. Apparently I passed this class as well. I'm sure the pot helped. Com-Pooh-ter. Cool.

Next came Health, AKA Horrifying Pictures of STD's.

Young KOM sat in the back row for a reason. His near-sightedness helped with the general diffusion of horrifying images. But the Health Nazi's were not to be dissuaded. The eventually help up 2'x4' posters of the most sickening shit you could imagine. Things that you can't even find on the web (and I've looked, if only to tie some sickening images to the links above).

Well, it was a hot day and we were stuck in a "trailer" classroom with no ventilation and no air. Strangely, the more of the posters that they showed me, the more I felt ill. Finally, the "instructor" noticed that I had turned green, and suggested that I may want to sit outside for a few minutes. I didn't hesitate, and managed not to throw up on the precious pictures on my way past the entire class and to the door.

I immediately collapsed into the grass and stretched, spread eagle, into my new-found nirvana. Birds flew overhead. I could hear the grass rustle.

Later, as I stood in line for a god damned slice of salami pizza, I heard people that I'd never conversed with whispering about my "episode". "No!", I yelled at them, it was hot in the back row! I was green and sweating from the heat, you bastards! It could have happened to anyone!

But it didn't. It happened to me.

On the upshoot, I've never had an STD. That may be much more due to luck than education, but whatever. I still imagine all of those smiling, sneering faces covered in warts, their genitals dripping and burning. And I smile.

MMMmmm. Cheese Zombie. Can I get some tartar sauce with that, Ms. Chlamydia?

8 Comments:

At 10/04/2005 04:56:00 AM , Blogger Squishi said...

wanker spammer.

Well. We don't have such wonders as "drivers ed" here in AUstralia, but we did have "Personal Development". In a girls school that is rather amusing. You get shown constantly how to put a condom on a banana, and hear all sorts of horror stories (sans pictures) on what happens to good Anglican Girls when they "start playing around".

Still, 2 out of every 15 girls ended up knocked up tho, so... maybe the pix would have helped?

 
At 10/04/2005 09:06:00 AM , Blogger Robyn said...

Yucky.

And yet, I'll bet you almost any man would still "tap that" chlamydia ass if given a chance!

Again, yuck!

 
At 10/04/2005 09:13:00 AM , Blogger Diane Mandy said...

Could it be worse than what happens to teenage girls when the teacher brings in a torso with fake breasts in order to teach you how to search for lumps? You sit there feeling up the torso as the entire class looks on.

 
At 10/04/2005 09:51:00 AM , Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

BLOOD AND MILK!
MILK AND BLOOD!

Blood.....and Milk.

 
At 10/04/2005 01:27:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kom,

Classic, as ever. Reading posts like this makes me feel better than the cold medicine I'm taking. At least your health teacher didn't keep books on hand that graphically described (and illustrated) sex change operations (or did they?).

 
At 10/04/2005 02:12:00 PM , Blogger Moxie Cotton said...

My seventh grade science teacher was forced to teach us sex ed - which meant that old scratchy movies from the 60's were being run daily for about a week without class discussion. On the third day the movie gods created an illustrated short about the physical differences between girls and boys and my science teacher was forced to leave the room after reaching his point of ecstasy when the close-up of the female came up on the screen. Boner mania had hit the sex ed class, and it didn't involve any of us.
School.

 
At 10/04/2005 02:19:00 PM , Blogger Robyn said...

This keeps getting yuckier!!

All I remember from the 5th grade sex ed class was trying to decipher the drawing that represented the fallopian tubes and uterus. I could never quite figure out what the hell they were talking about. They never showed it in refeference to any other organs. And they could never answer the burning question - where did the blood come from when you had your period? They just never explained themselves very well.

 
At 10/04/2005 04:04:00 PM , Blogger Squishi said...

Actually, what comes to mind now (I think i blanked it from my memory for years due to trauma) was when they showed us in year 7 a video of a lady giving birth yelling and screaming her head off.

Now THAT is scary and horrible. One girl threw up and refused to have children then and there (and she hasn't still). Still, as i said, it didn't work.

The termination figures from my school were also astounding.

 

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