What are you looking at?

Good afternoon. My name is Thomas Jefferson.

You may know me for several documents, or for the fact that I was one of the first presidents (suck it, Franklin! Ha-ha!) I've heard that the whole "Declaration of Independance" thing is quite popular, especially among bickering, partisan twats.



What I would like to know is why have you commemorated me with the Nickel and the terribly useless $2.00 bill? And what's all this shit about Monticello?

I would have thought that I did just a little bit for the founding of this country. Is it the slave thing? That fucker Washington had slaves, too! But he's featured on all of the most circulated coins and notes! All that he did was survive a cold winter. And cross a creek.

Hello..!? We're on the East Coast, here. All winters are cold, biatch. Do you think we had Gortex in the 18th century?

Do you notice my expression on the $2.00 bill? That far away, slightly disapproving look? Yeah, ass-head, multiply that look by 250 years. Jefferson is not happy! We stood up to our times' Superpower so that we could eventually debate "mouth-pleasure" in the oval office? Really?

Well, as the author of Ye Olde Declaration, I retract it all. You fuckers don't deserve it. Have fun with soldiers' quarters rights, or taxation without a god-damn fuck for your privileged, white-assed monkey-sucking "representation".

I've given up on you.

Still, maybe I could be on the 5? Or a dime, at least?

Fuckers.