Tequila travelogue

We were heavily drinking tequila, and it was about 12:30am. We asked ourselves if tequila really came from Mexico, or whether it was a sham perpetrated by Cuervo, et al.

One thing led to another, and I found myself tying my shoes to go. This is still an inside joke with my friends. Did KOM tie his shoes? Then he must be serious.

I went upstairs, threw my toothbrush and a couple of shirts into my backpack, and I was ready to go. We were going to drive to Mexico, and we were going to go now.

Aaron, Anna and I were 30 minutes outside of town before Anna realized that she didn't have her birth control pills with her. So we turned around and wasted another hour getting to where we were. God forbid that she leave without them. Perhaps she was expecting more action that I got on the trip?

We eventually merged onto I5, my Festiva chomping at the bit for more road. I remember a woman waiving us down, then speeding up, then flipping us off. We were never sure what this was about. We assumed that she must be a chupacabra. If you've never driven I5, imagine a strait line extending forever. I would guess more people have died from boredom on this interstate than in traffic accidents.

We just reached the Grapevine as the sun came up. Something had happened, and there were hundreds of trucks and cars attempting to turn around on a two-lane road. Consulting our map, we found a back-way through the quagmire. This was the most desolate, lonely road that I've ever driven. This is where "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" takes place, or that episode of X Files with the Mom under the bed. Creepy, and very, very long.

After several day's worth of BS which was dutifully conducted in less than 4 hours (including visiting Aaron' sister, among other hair-raising events), we checked into a budget sleepery and tried to crash. I called an ex-girlfriend who lived in Sand Diego. She agreed to go with us to Mexico.

Her name is Julie, and someday I might feel the need to post specifically about her. In the meantime, just know that she was a tall blond. She had taken it upon herslef to deliver a several hundred mile booty call when my last girlfriend and I broke up. She also put dish washing liquid into our dishwasher, which caused suds to fill the entire kitchen. Good thing we were always high back then, or I might have been pissed.

Early the next morning I called my job. No one answered so I left a message something to the effect of "I've been shanghai'd for my birthday. I'm in Mexico, and I won't be able to come in for the next couple of days!" We were within a month or two of my birthday, so I thought this was appropriate. We stopped at Split Pea Anderson's, but didn't enter. We crossed the highway and went to a great consignment shop that had several t-shirts that made us laugh. Further fortified with clothing, we continued.

One quick comment on San Diego. Has anyone been there? Have you seen the highway signs picturing fleeing Mexicans, the daughter's pigtails trailing her head, that signify that you should slow down, illegal immigrant crossing? How surreal.

We parked right on the border and walked over. Took a cab and entered TJ. We had spoken several times on the way down about not going to TJ. We wanted to explore the countryside, see the sights, etc. But it was not to be. Let me tell you, it's harder than you think to plan a trip when you leave in the middle of the night, blitzed on tequila.

The rest is a blur, let me fill you in on the highlights:

I remember a bar. There were two beer choices - Tecate or somthingsomething. Aaron asked what the somethinsomething was. It turned out to be a really fucking big Tecate. We laughed and laughed.

There was some club that offered a bucket of Corona's for $3 (American). They drew us in by putting some skank out screaming "Hey sexy American cowboy!!". Aaron and Anna were alternatively wearing a large, leather cowboy hat because they were dorks, and it made us laugh. The beer was great, and the tequila was free.

Another club and more tequila. The very insistant man with the whistle and the large bottle of tequila kept pouring it down our throats. Firewater, indeed.

After the black-out, I came-to in a smaller, empty club. We were well stocked for drinks, and Aaron and Anna kept putting the crapiest songs they could find into the jukebox and tried to breakdance on the dance floor. Julie and I made out the whole time. The whole time that she wasn't dropping her drinks. The proprieter finally came over and placed newspaper on the floor to catch the shattered beer bottles and drink glasses that fell, like rain, from our drunken hands.

At some point we came across a very, very drunk (and this is saying something, given our state) man who was willing to answer all of our questions about chupacabras. I think he told us that they were most prevelant in Brazil. When we finally left him, he was cradled in the arm of a giant statue. I don't recall how he got up there. Or why he kissed my Julie.

I remember sometime later that night trying to find an ATM. For some reason, they couldn't access US banks, and we were shit out of money. Regardless, we found a little Italian restaurant, and sobered up some with spaghetti and pizza. The irony was lost on us, at the time. We finally found a cab that took us (pro-bono, btw), to an ATM that would give us money. He (the cab driver) brought us back to the border.

Brushing by, nay, running into the US custom agents, we declared nothing and laughed and laughed. I had Cuban cigars poking out of every pocket on my body.

We stayed at Julie's parents house that night.

The drive back was anticlimatic. Except for Anna telling me that I had asked Julie to fuck me in the bathroom stall of one of the clubs we were in. Apparently this was disturbing, and Julie was pissed. I feel confident, though, that I would have let her know that a BJ would be acceptable. But I'll never really know. Either way, I don't remember sex, oral or otherwise, on this trip.

Aaron and I sat in my living room, smoking cuban cigars, and listeed to the endless "you're fired" messages that were left for me on the answering machine. We laughed and laughed.

Finally I untied my shoes.