Clause Von Monkeysadd

I'd become a little too introspective in my posts, and wanted to lighten the mood some. Cleaning up some files on my computer, I ran across the following email exchange between my friend Mike and myself. I believe that I had mentioned Mike earlier - the guy cracks me up. We were both bored at work a few years ago, and just got to rambling about Monkeys. I've edited all non-pertinent information (regular email stuff) out.




....How many incontinent Helper monkeys does it take to refurbish an
average sized Victorian bathroom... in November... Presuppose the monkeys
have poor organizational skills... also assume that one monkey is just the
vehicle for another's thematic festival of light and distance...




EMPLOYMENT AGREEMENT
Employment Agreement, between Monkey1 "Vehicle for another's thematic
festival of light and distance" (the "Company") and the Employee
("Monkey2").
1. For good consideration, the Company employs Monkey2 on the following
terms and conditions.
2. Term of Employment. Subject to the provisions for termination set
forth below this agreement will begin on 8/7/02, 2002, unless sooner
terminated, or accidental death due to imbibing, inhaling, or related skin
diseases due to, but not limited to, Clorox, Pine, Simple Green, et al.
3. Salary. The Company shall pay Monkey2 a salary of 200 bananas per
year, for the services of Monkey2, payable at regular payroll periods.
4. Duties and Position. the Company hires Monkey2 in the capacity of
Incontinent Victorian Bathroom Cleaner. Monkey2's duties may be reasonably
modified at the Company's (Henceforth referred to as "Poor Organizational
Skills, INC",) discretion from time to time.
5. Oral Modifications Not Binding. This instrument is the entire
agreement of Poor Org. INC and Monkey2. Oral changes have no effect. It
may be altered only by consistent Alpha-male charging displays, excrement
slinging, or signed by the party against whom enforcement of any waiver,
change, modification, extension, or discharge is sought.

Signed this Seventh day of August 2002




Note: " Displacement Techniques for Monkey Infantry "
Summery by Michael xxx.
Monkey no clear. Monkey in state of unatendance. Monkey afraid of
past/future convergence.
Despite the employment contract and its subsequent acceptance
without negotiation, the aforementioned employee has achieved a status
of non-compliance with said employees rating and overall ability to operate
substandard equipment and machinery.
The interpreted note of the original text document would indicate a
technique of confusion and stimulus to better enhance " Monkey's " over
all parameters.
end note.
* The previous advisement was taken an summarized from
chapter seven of the instructional text
" The Monkey That Works For Me " * 1937*




MONKEYS OVER ALL PARAMETERS
A STUDY OF TECHNIQUES IN ENHANCEMENT BY CONFUSION THROUGH STIMULUS
I - OBJECTIVES
A. To study the enhancement possibilities of "Monkey2"
B. To bring about these possibilities through the use of past/future convergence
a. Temporal confusion
b. Workload exceptions
i. Terminating before hiring
ii. Use of substandard equipment and machinery
c. Acceptance without negotiation
C. To expose findings through lens of so-called "Jane Goodall Effect"
II - FINDINGS (MODIFIED 8/7/02 3:20pmPST)
A. Aural hallucinations in the form of requests, suggestions and commands
a. Parameters met to satisfaction
i. "Monkey hate clean" seems to illicit screams of what can only be
described as urgent approval
ii. "I am the Devil - I command you to kill your parents" met with quiet indifference
B. Strobe lights and beer
a. Parameters exceeded
i. "Nonattendance" - disassociation and confusion, followed closely by
vomiting
b. Second attempt unsuccessful
i. Monkey2 could not be coerced into a repeat experiment
C. XXCONFIDENTIALXXxxx xx xxxxx xxx and "Company"
a. Parameters exceeded.
i. XXXX xxx xxxxx xx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxx
ii. Xxxxx xx xx xxx xx xxxxx x xxxx
b. Xxxxx xxx xxxxxxxx xx xxxx
i. A frenzied dash to the door was accompanied by the sounds of xxxxxx
III - CONCLUSION
The findings have shown, without any real or meaningful divergence
of opinion, the utopia of "Affen uber alles" (Aldous Huxley 1954) or
"Monkeys over all parameters" (Desilets summary of "The Monkey that Works
For Me" 2001) will be a sustainable reality within a few short decades.
XXXxxx xxxx xxxxxx x xxxx xxxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx xxxxxx xxxx xx xxxx.
Xxxx xxxx xxx "XXXXX" xxxxx x xxxxxxx. "Monkey no clear", indeed!




" The Monkey Share, The Monkey Take "
Appendix to previous summery:1923*
Translated From original manuscript , 1906*.
written by Clause Von Monkeysadd.

" I would begin only to presuppose that a Monkey that shares a
brain with another Monkey is a most interesting Monkey, indeed. The
abnormality of the dual or in some cases tri shared monkey brain is a
vague effort in the duality of what we deem as " the Syndrome ", or more
often referred to as post reflexive Monkey panic. Is often found to be,
in most ways, the detracting factor in the Primate labor industry.
It was theorized that when a Monkey "rents" a space in another
Monkey's brain the original test subject shows signs of motor
improvement fed by the subjects terrible anxiety associated with the
transfer..

translators note: much of the text was lost in " The Great
Laboratory Fire of 1908".
" Monkey non pattern.stop.
Monkey dual brain test.stop.
monkey is most displeased." subject became unclear as to
his portion of natural Brain. Subject Now worships a medium weight bag
of yams.
Also demonstrates voilent tendencies.