Great moments in television

Once again, I was running random Google image searches looking for a new Avatar, when I ran into a transcript of my favorite Ren and Stimpy. Here for your pleasure, blatantly ripped off from this site, and abridged to the good stuff.

(2002 stupid things to do - borrowing without asking!)





STIMPY: I'll turn off the gravity. It'll help you relax.

REN: What a pal. Ahhh. This is the good life. Just relax...and let my mind drift. Yeahhhh. I'll just relax, and think pleasant thoughts...Chicken pot pie!...Chocolate-covered raisins!...Ehh...Glazed ham!.. Heh...heh...heh...they think I'm crazy. But I know better. It is not I who am crazy. It is not I who am mad! Didn'tcha hear 'em? Didn'tcha see the CROWDS? Oh my beloved ice cream bar... how I love to lick your creamy center! HOOOWWWWWW... and your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering! You're not like the others... you like the same things I do! Waxed paper... boiled football leather... dog breath... We're not hitchhiking anymore! We're riding!

STIMPY: Stop it! You're talking crazy!

REN: Oh no, I know what YOU want. You coveteth my ICECREAM BAR!



STIMPY: C'mon now...

REN: No you don't! You can't take it from me now. I've had this ice-cream bar since I was a CHILD! People...always trying to take it from me! Why won't they LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONNNNE?

STIMPY: E...easy, now.

REN: Back off, man! (grabs toothbrush) Don't make me use this! One stop closer, I'm WARNING ya! Don't make me use it! (Stimpy steps closer) NOW you've done it. YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT!
(horrible sounds as Ren brushes his teeth. They struggle.

REN: Eeee...eh...I'm hurting. (collapses)

STIMPY: You poor crazy kid!

[Bridge. Ren dictates into log.]

REN: Captain's log. I'm tired. So tired. I can't believe my own partner attacked me. Maybe...if I occupy his MIND with more DUTIES, I can control his... space madness.

REN: Now, listen, Cadet. I've got a JOB for you. See this button? DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the HISTORY ERASER button, you FOOL!

STIMPY: So what'll happen?

REN: That's just IT! We don't KNOW! Maayyybeee something bad?... Mayyybeee something good! I guess we'll never know! 'Cause you're going to guard it! You won't TOUCH it, will you?



ANNOUNCER: Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Stimpy hold out? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence? Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires? Can he resist the temptation to push the button that, even now, beckons him ever closer? Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history? At the MERE...PUSH...of a SINGLE...BUTTON! The beeyootiful SHINY button! The jolly CANDY-LIKE button! Will he hold out, folks? CAN he hold out?

STIMPY: NO I CAN'T!!!EEEEEYAAAHHHH!