The Bachelor's Guide
1. A casserole can be made from anything. I am reminded of Homer's clove, Collins mix and frozen pie crust entry.
2. If you have to have a pet, get a cat. They don't need you, and they can hunt if they are out of food.
3. Wash your bedsheets when they turn color. This weekly maintenance nonsense is perpetrated by the detergent guild.
4. If you buy carefully, Pabst will actually pay you for a case of beer.
5. Contrary to belief, fish can live off of Taco Bell. But experience tells me that they still need sunlight and air.
6. Interesting girls aren't.
7. If possible, live within walking distance of downtown. This may be relevant whether or not you are a bacehlor.
8. The girl that you live with didn't move in with you because you pay rent on time. If you don't know what this means, ask your other roommate.
9. If you leave the bar at last call, you still have 10 minutes to hit the liquor store.
10. Look the gift-horse in the mouth. Sometimes they have other goodies in their throat.
11. Label your cooking utensils. When they all come from goodwill, they all look the same.
12. PBS is worth its weight in cable.
13. If you have to forgoe a utility, make it electricity. It's more boring, but at least you can take a shower.
14. Keep a toothbrush on your person at all times. You never know.
15. A keg a week keeps the neighbors away.
16. Casual sex is seldomly either.
17. Gnats are a sign. Sandblast your kitchen.
18. Pink growths in the shower are a good thing. What pink thing has ever been bad? Note: you may experience smelly, itchy feet. This is normal.
19. Mom has a washer and dryer. Visit her, won't you?
20. You won't have health insurance. Don't get sick.
21. If you have the internet, you can learn to knot a tie. If not, apply at Burger King.
22. Don't dismiss letters from the county. It's probably for the best that you dismante the "magical emptys castle."
23. She stopped accepting mix-tapes 5 years ago.
24. But if you must, don't forget to include Janis Joplin or Tori Amos. They eat this stuff up.
25. Oh, and your hand-made Federation uniform does not impress. If it does, propose now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
26. Ramen is not a food, but a condiment. Eat it with everything.
27. Your friends love you, but they want you to fail. You can be happy, or you can be rich.
28. Cockroaches are bad. Burritos sprouting tendrils in the sink are worse. But there is nothng like the sound of a mouse struggling, his back broken, when you're high. Don't set traps.
29. Video games and tequila count for a lot. Ignore neither.
30. When you get kicked out, or your friends move, couch-surf. You can never go home, and your parents don't want you around, anyway.
posted by KOM @ 1:25:00 AM
11 Comments
11 Comments:
Excellent advice... works for some bachelorettes too ;P
hah! this was great.....=)
Excellent advice! Interesting girls aren't.... Pricelesss
I don't know man, I've met some interesting girls who were. They just weren't for very long.
Hmm, well, I guess I get most of it, but "14. Keep a toothbrush on your person at all times. You never know."
They are SOOO cheap! Come on. I have one in my truck, in my desk at work, just about everywhere. Why carry it with you, just buy a couple with the money Pabst gives!
um.... yeah. That.
You really should have put up a warning for us with some morning sickness. Didn't really want to be reminded of the "chow mein burrito" living in your sink. I guess pink stuff in the shower is OK - just not when it starts turning black on the edges. And please - all bachelors - keep a bar of soap and one dry towel in your bathrooms, just in case!
ooh, I wish I had this list to print out and hand to previous boyfriends on my way out the door. It might have eased their pain. Hehee!
oh, and "uncle". Please 'splain Itlan. Racked my brain. 'sno good.
The episode where we meet Speak. There was a baseball team that crashlanded in central America, and decided to become Aztec's. Itlan.
Man I wish they would just get it over with and release the animated series on DVD. Or have they and I've been living under a rock? btw, KOM, my "longer than an hour stat" is suffering. Are you sleeping on the job ;-)
I had never thought about looking. This is what I found on a brief search - but the website looks a bit chincy, and it appears that these are DVD-R's. Everything else indicates that we may never see the Tick on DVD.
Problem isn't that I've been sleeping but reading other blogs. Later, when I take a nap instead of doing work I'll sit on your page for a while :)
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