Getting a grip

I haven't been this embarrassed since I posted about playing a game of chess for the "rights" to a girl. Thanks for throwing that one back in my face, btw, V. ;)

I woke up Saturday morning (well, afternoon if you must know) with one burning need - to delete the last post that I had written. I think I must have had nightmares or something. Picture me, black and white, clutching the sheets and sweating. Various versions of my head pop up and surround me, all moaning variations on the theme "Validate me!", "I'm not good enough!", "Did I leave the iron on...?"

I woke up, bolted out of bed... and watched Teletubbies with my son. Then I had breakfast. Eventually, though, I turned on the old computer and completely re-wrote the preceding post. I couldn't quite bring myself to delete it. I have edited posts before, but I've never completely erased one. Lord knows that I wish I had. But I did the next-best thing and just wiped the crap that had been there, and put up a for-rent sign. BTW, if anyone wants to leave a post in that space, you're welcome to it. I don't charge much, and the location is... well, it's okay. Okay, it's shit. Imagine being bookended by these last few posts! I mean, it really never had a chance in hell to begin with.

It's come up thousands of different times, and on thousands of different blogs. It must be a sign of taking oneself too seriously, and that is why I'm embarrassed. I did in fact have an arbitrary number of visits that I thought I would never achieve (thank you, one time Google-leading "Doodle Bops" listing), but since I though it was impossible, or at least unlikely, I never really thought about it. Truth be told, this started as a way for me to post crap. Like, I guess, everyone else.

And then someone replied.

Oh, Jesus, I should have removed replies when I started this. I didn't know any better. One minute you're writing crap for yourself, then next thing you know you're trying to refine that crap for people that you've never met. Like Super Man squeezing a lump of coal into a diamond - except, when you squeeze shit it just oozes out of your fingers. I got to thinking so much about the people that read this pittance that I started to freak out. "I owe it to the people!", I thought. "Must entertain!", I fretted.

I guess I completely lost sight of the goal: to publish my own crap to the world wide web, people be damned. For my own amusement. And even more truthfully, as I've stated before, it was really just an excuse to try to learn a smidge of HTML.

Don't get me wrong - I often type things where the best response I receive is "Hunh?". That makes me feel almost as good as getting 20 replies.

Look, people. There's way too much drama going on with these blogs. It makes sense, because blogging is just a microcosm of meatspace. Still, I'm sorry that I got confused and started to take it all seriously. Shit, even apologizing presupposes some real interest in this and you. I can't win.

I've been too embarrassed to read the replies to the last post. I'll let them sit in the graveyard, and assume that they weren't overly critical. If you all come back, great. If not, I will still probably keep this shit up from time to time. And I will continue to read you all, if nothing else. What else would I do when I should be "working"?