Open letter to Wang Chung

Dear Mr. Chung,

Per your advise, I pulled my baby by her hair. This did not go as expected. Instead of comforting her with a calm pat and mantra of "there, there", as I understood you to mean, she simply hit me.

Things were no better when I played upon her darkest fears. Since you've given me no direction or reason for doing this, I just freaked her out. When she asked why I would do this, I could only reply "Uhh, dance hall days, love." Then I grabbed her heel. But the only thing I felt was hungry, so I left to make a sandwhich, leaving her very scared and confused.

One night I went looking for the amethyst, just to see if you were fucking messing with me. She was asleep, and kept turning her head when I stuck my finger in her mouth. I dug around until my finger pruned, but I did not find the stone. Any stone. Don't even ask me about the saphires.

Mr. Chung, I'm beginning to believe that you really don't know what you're talking about. Cool on craze? What does that even mean? Were you on coke when you told me this? Were you on the craze, man? Nose craze?

I just wish to express my waning faith in your program. I would sincerely like further explanation before I try to have fun tonight. Something tells me that it could go spectacularly wrong.

Your devoted but wary acolyte,

KOM

P.S. Do you know how to get ahold of Tina Turner? I understand that the river people are happy to give. Maybe you know which river?