The end of innocence

Dear Daddy Woo-Woo,

I've broken promise after promise to you. It breaks my heart, but the only way to keep you safe, to keep you innocent is to stow you in a box in the closet. I know that you're there, and that's enough.

Incidentally, I've heard that they made a drink for you. How banal. And you know that I don't care for hefeweizen.

"Squeek?" you ask? Yes, sadly, there is more on my soul than cocktails. I was just trying to buy time. You know that. You've always known.

Yes, today I broke one of the last promises to myself. The seal has been busted wide open, and only kill-bots and leathery-winged demons will be dragging my sorry hide from this mortal coil. Today I...

{Squeek, squeek}

Ok, Woo-Woo. I'm not going to pull any more punches.

Woa! Did you see that? A thing just happened! Right here! Do you want to talk about... that?

{Squeek!}

Ok, my first, favorite and furry friend. Today I activated a cell phone.

I know, I know. It was up there with "never do heroin" and "refrain from buggering animals that can kick back." I never meant to hurt you. Or us.

You see, the woman that replaced you as my soul mate, my confidant, asked me to do it. Stop it, you know that you were only my childhood guide. We've both known that you would finally outlive your usefulness. We both knew. Didn't we?

{SQUEEK!}

Get ahold of youself, Woo-Woo. We talked about marrying this woman. We squeeked at length about her future potential. You were the one that told me to take the plunge! I can't let you back out now. I've kept my end of the bargain -- you're still here, aren't you?

No, Woo-Woo. It's a disposable phone. Prepaid minutes, late 80's-style clip-art graphics. My microwave has more on-board RAM. As we discussed, it's only for emergencies. And there is only one emergency for which it will be activated.

{Squeek?}

Yes, Woo-Woo. The new arrival. The soon, too, too soon, baby. That phone will live with me, day and night. Just in case, for any reason, my wife is not with me.

Yes, I know, I'm separated from a land line perhaps 1 hour a day. But it's in those commuting minutes that anything can happen. I want to be able to turn the Honda around like a stock car racer and accelerate toward birth. If need be.

Yes, you're also right. The last time that I borrowed her cell phone, for the same reason, it almost caused an accident. As you know, I was driving down the highway when the unexpected and unusually loud ring-tone caused me to swerve in and out of on-coming traffic for the better part of a minute. And that wasn't even a false alarm - it was my sister asking me why my wife didn't have her cell phone on her.

Woo-Woo, I tell you that it's different. I only have a few pre-paid minutes, and I won't give the number to anyone but the wife. I will not be calling home to check on the status of the crock pot. This is not a joke.

{Squeeeeek}

Yes, it's all a big ball of bologna. There are legitimate reasons why I now own a cell phone, but they can never make up for the reasons that I've always stated that I never would. But it's all for you, Daddy Woo-Woo. So that you'll have another child to play with. Another child to... It's all for you, Daddy Woo-Woo.

Hasn't it always been? Haven't I always provided? Haven't I always agreed?

What won't I do for your sewed leather eyes and apple-embossed apron?

I've given you the children, Woo-Woo. All that I have. Can't I keep the cell phone? Just this one thing?

Please?

Woo-Woo?