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Fucking Warren Beatty wouldn't stop calling me. I've been forced to screen all of my calls for the last couple of weeks. Still, he left a message every day.

BEEP "Hey guy," {wink, tooth sparkle} (what, you're answering machine doesn't record these details?) "I just want to talk about the issues concerning Californ..." BEEP.

Not to be outdone, Schwarzenegger took precious time out of his skirt chasing to leave similar messages. Really, the only difference was that his issues concerned Kall-EE-for-knee-ah. I'm not sure where that is, but it sounds Polynesian.

It's like I've got my own paparazzi of celebrities. Bizarro-paparazzi. Bizparazazipa.... whatever. The only way I knew that I hadn't died and gone to hell was that Barbara Streisand wasn't leaving me messages. I have a weird image of her running hell's cafeteria, so it wouldn't surprise me if she were also in charge of Ma-Hell.

Speaking of celebrity endorsements, am I the only one who thinks that sending Bush to Virginia made about as much sense as sending Skeletor?

"Hey guy," (yes, this is how all celebrities start sentences). "Ack ACK ack! Wahahaha! Vote for Kilgore, pathetic fool!"

Actually, seeing that typed out makes me think more of a Muppet General Zod. "Bow down, wakawakawaka!"

I think it's finally over, at least for another couple of years. Beatty and Begley, Jr. can walk arm in arm into the sunset, knowing that they helped annoy millions. I, for one, won't be surprised as I get dropped like a dog-headed booty call come morning, now that I've blown my voting wad. And I sure as hell won't miss the messages.

On as serious note, one very good thing came out of this whole carnival. 8 of the 9 Dover, PA school-board members who tried to shoe-horn 'intelligent design' into the curriculum were sacked. The remaining member was not up for re-election. You have no idea how far this goes toward restoring my faith in Americans.

Now we just have to do something about Kansas. Time to start making some calls. "Hey guy," I'll begin.