Monday, June 13, 2005

KOM gets a haircut

The wife took the boy and left for a family reunion this last weekend.

So I had the booze on IV, which left my hands free for the PS2 controller. I gave up and just plugged the modem line into my ear.

Saturday morning, square-eyed and hung over, I thought briefly about what chores I should do. The weeds needed whacking, the drainage ditch needed digging and it couldn't have hurt to do laundry or dishes... I finally decided that I could probably, just barely, squeeze a haircut between a craptastic Saturday afternoon TV movie and going to bed early.

I've had my hair short now for the better part of 3 years, but I'm still wary about people coming at my head with stainless steel blades. For the 10 years before I chopped my locks (for my wedding, incidentally), I could count on one hand the number of professional cuts I had received. I'm pretty sure I got one for senior prom. Then... ummm... I don't remember. Someone probably got me drunk and told me that we were going to get a tattoo.

So I folded myself into the Civic, and headed for the local chain hair place.

I'm 6' 2". Not one of the women in the whole outlet were over 3' in heels. So of course the shortest one, the one that I needed field glasses to even notice, shouted "my turn!"

Crap, here we go again.

After she had finally ascended her ladder to my height, she tsked my shirt collar and tucked it into my shirt, untucked it, tucked it back in, tsked again, tucked it in, sighed then wrapped 5 feet of that toilet-paper like "neck gauze" around my throat until she was satisfied that I couldn't breathe.

Then came the usual litany of all my haircuts. "Lower." "Lower." My feet up against the wall and my shoulders barely on the chair, my head sat at an impossible 90 degree angle to the rest of my body. "Good," she says.

The woman took 45 minutes to trim my neck-line. She would buzz a single hair off, back up, set her chin in her hand, squint, come closer, back up, squint, then cut another single hair with the clippers. Repeat. Approximately 40,000 times. Just for my neck line.

I won't even tell you about the great ear-leveling fiasco.

While she was working, she would hound me incessantly about my zodiac sign.
"So, you're a Capricorn? Capricorns make money. Do you make money?"
"No."
"Tsk. Just like my son. He's so lazy. But he's a Sagittarius. He's just lucky. But my other son is a Capricorn. He works very hard and will make a lot of money."
"Mmm."
"He's quiet like you. Why don't you talk more? You must be thinking about how to make more money."
"Uhh-"
"Did you know Howard Hughes was a Capricorn?"

So on top of everything, she compared me to a man who collected his fingernails. Only lazier.

"Yeah, I'll Spruce-goose your tip."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"You don't want to tell me about your money?"

On the plus size, she believed me when I told her that I didn't want any gel. Most stylists laugh like you said something funny and before you can head-weave out of the situation, they've greased you up like the deaf man on Family Guy.

Yep, it's time to grow my hair out again. Then I can tell my son I'm Jesus and Santa.

8 Comments:

At 6/13/2005 05:20:00 PM , Blogger Passerby A said...

I need at least 4 hrs to get my hair done...LOL. You'd die in the hairdresser's chair if you were me.

 
At 6/13/2005 06:57:00 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

mine only takes two hours and I die in the chair every time. but at least I am the right height! sorry for your neck crink!

 
At 6/13/2005 07:07:00 PM , Blogger Venessa said...

LMAO. Jesus and Santa? They're both non-profit. Where's your money making scheme? Get with it Kom. :)

 
At 6/13/2005 08:09:00 PM , Blogger SassyAssy said...

My hairstylist has to elevate me about 10 feet in the air to do my hair 'cause I am so short.

Has anyone ever told you that you have an erie resemblance to Christopher Walken? I wonder if he is a Capricorn? Does he make money?

 
At 6/13/2005 10:33:00 PM , Blogger KOM said...

Diva, Lisa - 4 & 2 hours? You must have the most awesome glam-metal hairdo's in the universe!

V - Milk and cookies aren't curreny? And may I direct you to the Vatican for my "non-profit" holdings?

QoS - Isn't that the damndest thing? (Shut up, peanut gallery - I think that's correct). If SNL pays well, then Walkin is a Capricorn. Wowwy-wowwy!

 
At 6/14/2005 03:45:00 AM , Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Why is it every hair place employs the cast of "Little Women"?

I'm 6ft2, I feel your pain.

It's like they have the opposite sign that is at every amusment park in the world.
"You must be at least THIS short to cut hair here."

I had a lady lower me to the floor as far as the chair would go and then she went and got a step from the back room.
She STILL had me scrunch down in the chair.

 
At 6/15/2005 12:38:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny stuff kom. I like how you have to wait for your wife and son to leave so you can have your life back. It's funny, I have the feeling that you wait until they are asleep so you can write such humorous stuff. I'm never getting married (lie). So, uh, that reminds me. It's time for me to get a haircut too. Thanks.

 
At 6/15/2005 05:35:00 PM , Blogger PSUMommy said...

I cut my hubby's hair & love doing it...I also love to trim hedges & cut grass. Hmmm....

I hate getting my hair cut in a salon. They never believe what I tell them, so they *always* cut it way too short. And when I go in to get it chopped all off, I get a lecture about it ('what? You want to cut all of those CURLS off? People pay good money to have curls like that...') I'm trying to talk hubs into cutting it for me, but he seems to think I'm picky about it.

 

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