Mmm. Urine soufle!

I have mentioned before that I worked as a server for 5 years. 5 long, long years. 5 excruciating, scuicidal years. 5 mind numbing, foot killing... where was I?

I worked in a local Italian chain, Mary's Pizza Shack (well, that finally pinpoints me -- I'm looking at you, TE. Know me now?) While the information below has been covered extensively, and with much more wit, at Waiter Rant, I just wanted to add my two cents from across the kitchen.

Don't eat out if you are on a budget. Don't eat out if you are cheap. Let's be honest for the people that don't know how to cook: restaurants are much more expensive than eating at home. But you don't have to do the dishes. And that's why you tip your server.

Understand that your tip does not go directly into the server's pocket. There are the bussers, the hostesses, the cooks, the prep-people, etc., to tip out. That's a lot of mouths to feed. Thank god that they get paid better than your server.

Your server makes minimum wage, or less. As long as the government thinks that you are making, with tips, better than $5.15 (or whatever the hell it is, nowadays), the proprietor can pay you whatever they want. I generally took home $300-$500 per month in wages. You see, whether the server is tipped or not, the government wants a piece. Keep that in mind, people - tipped or not, you contribute what you should have been tipped. There is very little in life more frustrating than bending over backwards for the right to have to pay for having waited on your table.

The nationally understood tip is 15%. Although Zagat's pins it at better that 18%. People, oh people, this does not mean for excellent service. This is for adequate service. If you don't notice the service, then it begs at least 15%. If you do notice the service, then it was sub-par or excellent. Tip accordingly. But keep in mind that if you decide to go out at 7pm on a Friday night and it takes a while to get your food, it's not your server's fault. If you go out for a smoke and see your server smoking a joint behind a Pinto, then you may shaft the fucker. But if you see your server running his or her ass off, and you're waiting too long for your food, blame the restaurant. It's too cheap to hire more staff. Let me repeat: this is not your server's fault.

One final tip comment. If you are too stupid to move the decimal and multiply by 1.5 in your head, then double the tax. Otherwise, feel free to do the long multiplication on the tag. No one will mind, as long as it's a good tip.

Now for some pet-peeves:

Most dinner salads are lettuce, toppings and "dressing". This does not mean that salads are ranch soup. But if you like to eat ranch dressing by the bucket, please make it clear when you order the salad, not after it's been delivered.

Speaking of which, I know that you have to have your dressing on the side. I know you do. But please know that this is a pain in the ass for all involved. Your tippage has just increased.

And the same for specific requests. "Special orders don't upset us" is a marketing tool, not reality.. You know it's a pain in the ass, we know it's a pain in the ass. Your tippage has just increased. And if there is a single caper that you specifically requested not to have, brush it aside or politely ask that the dish be replaced. Nothing is gained by your being uppity. Most of you are not Oprah.

And as for being rude to your server, I hope that you like urine. Remember that these people are often not only preparing your food, but serving it to you. Woops, did I wipe my ass with my hand? Again? Mmm. Pasta con Cigarette ash? Remember that servers are petty, vindictive assholes because they do a shit job for shitty customers. But a smile, a little understanding, and a tip can work wonders to miraculously preserve the edibility of your order.

Unless you come in at 2:30pm, and the restaurant is empty, don't chat up your server. They are going to be far too busy, and really don't care. If you're a lonely old person, your tippage has just increased.

Speaking of old people: We know that you're on a budget - please see the first thing that I wrote about eating out. That said, if you are particularly cute or have really good stories, the tip may be overlooked. But first, make sure that you come in when it's not busy. Second, if you have to ask yourself whether you're a cute old person, or whether you have good stories, you aren't and you don't. Enjoy your raisin bran and Jerry Fallwell. At home.

Pay attention, now. This is as important as tipping: Do not, under any circumstances, enter a restaurant later than 30 minutes before closing. This marks you as a child molesting wife beater. Why? Because there aren't words in the English language that better describe what a despicable asshole you are. If you're starving go to Taco Bell, and promise yourself to get out of Yoga class 15 minutes earlier next time.

If you are going to arrive with more than 8 people, no matter what time, call ahead. Otherwise, please be patient and keep your mouth the fuck closed as other (smaller) groups get seated before you.

Finally, and this should be obvious, if you have children in high-chairs, please do not put them in the only corner where the server has access to your table. Do you know how difficult it is to balance 8 entrees on one large tray? Can you imagine how much more difficult it is when you are leaning over Junior's head, hot pasta ready to spill on his delicate pate?

Okay, I'm done for now. I have no doubt that I missed many, many things. But I hit on the truly important things.

So, go out and enjoy yourself! If you ever eat at a restaurant again without feeling guilt for just being there, then either I didn't do my job, or you are a cold hearted dick.

Buon appetito!