At what cost?

One month after our son was born, my wife and I celebrated our 1st year anniversary.

We went to the Rutherford Grill, and enjoyed a few cocktails before being seated. I remember that I had the osterich. If you're interested, it tastes like the bloodiest steak that you've ever had. Mild and velvet.

I remember also that I told my wife that I loved her more than my newly born son.

I will never be able to excorcise that claim. I will never be able to take back the words that came from my mouth, nor the feeling behind it. And I will never, never forgive myself.

I was a new father, nothing made any sense. I had probably slept 40 hours in the last month. But my wife had that look in her eyes, like she'd been cheating. It was instantly clear to me that I came second, and always would. This mere boy that I had helped create would always be more important than me.

This was a rude awakening, and a terrible way to spend an anniversary. A first anniversary. So I thought at the time.

Now when I look at my son, my heart swells. Sometimes it's hard not to cry at his sheer beauty. It may have taken a few months, but he has become the single most important aspect of my life. I would do anything in my power to help him, and I would do anything in my power to defend him. I would step over my own mother to catch him up after the most mundane boo-boo.

Woe be anything that attmepts to harm him. I would gladly give my life one hundred times over for the opportunity to exact lasting, painful revenge on anyone who merely slights him.

Sometimes, when I dream, I picture my son... hurt, by forces outside of my control. As if one day, I will exact revenge. As if one day, the earth will shudder under the will of my hate.

I'm not sure that I support Cindy Sheehan. I've stated before that I think she's unwell. It's easy for me, oh so easy, to say that she needs to get over her hate, her pain, her confusion, and join us in the 'real world'. He's been dead for over a year, and no apology from W. will make it easier.

But sometimes, sometimes, I admire her restraint. Retribution would be swift and bloody if I truly believed that Bush were responsible for my own son's death. Somehow, I would make them all pay.

My life is insignificant and expendable.